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PART ONE : How Jesus Taught Me to Overcome My Hatred
1 “With My prayers you will not overcome your hatred”
2 See God through Jesus Christ
3 Count down to my repentance
4 What should I search for?
5 Thirst for the Holy Spirit
6 How can I receive the Holy Spirit?
7 With the help of Jesus I ask for forgiveness
PART TWO : How Jesus Taught Me to Forgive
1 Scared to open the Book of Genesis
2 What God said to Adam
3 What the Devil told Eve
4 God never punished Adam and Eve
5 How much the Devil controlled Me!
6 God’s Righteousness
PART THREE : How Jesus Taught Me to Love
1 My Great Fall
2 How I can receive God’s love and Jesus in my Spirit
3 Rubbing Gold
4 People who live for the Lord
5 A mind to Love
6 For what purpose did God create me?
7 If God never punishes
8 Forgive us the wrongs
9 Eternal life
10 Whoever does not believe will be condemned
11 The Last Supper
12 “So if you are about to offer your gift to God at the altar”
13 A Prayer of Thanks
14 How I can love God
15 Lamenting God
» The Words and Prayer that helped me to love God


"With my prayers you will not overcome your Hatred"
A few years ago, I went for a spiritual retreat at the Divine Centre in Muringoor, Kerala (India). After a few interactions, my counsellor there told me, “Giju [my pet name], you have hatred in your mind.” I dismissed his comment, unwilling to accept it. The subject came up again when I attended another retreat at the Paritrana Retreat Centre in my hometown, Kottayam. Though I did not know it then, this retreat was the beginning of the new me. My counsellor there was Fr Arayathanal (Chackochen). A gifted priest, he helped me look at myself in the light of the Gospels. He guided me to look at myself as Jesus Christ would have done. Christ showed me the intense hatred in myself and convinced me that I had sinned. From that moment onwards, I had a great desire to overcome my hatred.
Following the second retreat, I became a regular at prayer fellowships led by Fr Michael Panachikkal. Christ had another surprise waiting for me. At one meeting, Fr Michael asked me what I thought of God. I said, “God is love. And He is very kind.”
“Is that your personal opinion?” Fr Michael asked. I got a jolt and shot him another question, “Are you trying to corner me, Father?” He smiled and said, “Not at all!”
I decided to come clean and said, “Actually, what I believe is quite contrary to what I just told you. God expects us to forgive those who have wronged us, but never forgives us when we are in the wrong. We are taught that God is Love, but also that he will punish us if we sin. This confuses me! I cannot understand God’s nature. Hence, I cannot love Him.”
Fr Michael thanked me for being frank and said, “Actually, you have never known Jesus Christ and so you have never known God.”
I hastily interrupted him and said, “But I do pray and read the Bible every day. I attend Holy Mass twice a week and go for prayer fellowships every week. So how can I not know Christ?”
He looked at me compassionately and said, “One day, you will experience God through his son Jesus Christ, and only then will you truly realise that God is love.” I was shaken. All throughout my life I had looked at God only through my varied experiences. Here was a new revelation and challenge to see the Father through his Son, Christ.
Soon, I went for another retreat led by Fr Michael, where he reaffirmed the message that once I started seeing the Father through the Son, I would clearly see God as a “loving father” and not a “punishing God”. In my heart, I liked the message and was moved by it, but my brain was not ready to accept it.
While these challenges were ruling my spiritual life, I was running a factory and things were moving from bad to worse on the financial front. I poured out my woes to Fr Michael, who gave me a patient hearing. Then he said: “Your problem is not financial or your hatred for others. It is your misunderstanding about God. You do not believe in the God shown to us by Christ. Only when you believe will your problems and hatred disappear.” God was sending the same message to me repeatedly, but I was unable to see Him through Christ. How could I? You see, my mind was programmed to see Him only through my experiences.
Several weeks later, I attended another retreat in Thiruvananthapuram, Kerala. It was a fasting retreat and we went without food and water for the entire retreat. My guide there was again a priest and he asked me, “Giju, what is your real problem? Is it financial?”
I replied, “Father, my real problem is that I hate someone. Please pray for me so that I can overcome this hatred.” He shook his head sadly and said, “No, Giju. Even with my prayers, you will not be able to overcome your hatred.”
Aghast, I said: “Father, when you pray people are cured of their illness and their financial problems vanish. I am not asking you to pray for my financial situation. I only want to get rid of hatred.”
“Giju, when others ask me to pray for them, I do pray. But you are asking me to pray for you to overcome your hatred. This is one of the most important problems of mankind. No one can overcome their hatred with someone else’s prayers,” said the priest kindly.
“Jesus asked us to forgive and love one another. But I am unable to get rid of hatred. So, how can I believe in God and His existence,” I asked. The priest replied, “One has to experience Christ, only then will he be able to overcome hatred. That is the real blessing from the Almighty.”
Later, I shared my problems with my uncle, he too said, “Only when Christ comes into your life will your problems will vanish.” Disturbed, I asked my father if he knew of anyone who had overcome hatred. He said, “None, so far.” By and by, everyone I requested for prayers turned me down. The answer was the same, “Know Christ, know peace.”
I turned to the New Testament to find and know Christ.